Could These Video Game Families Beat WWE’s Bloodline?
Wrestlemania 40 is nearly upon us, and if you’ve been following WWE for the past three years, the show, like nearly every story during this time, revolves around one family: the Bloodline. The massive family tree of Samoan wrestlers dates back decades and includes members such as current undisputed champion Roman Reigns, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Yokozuna, Rikishi, and so many others. In a business filled with famous families, the Bloodline is likely the biggest family dynasty in pro wrestling history.
That got me thinking of similar family trees across all of video game fiction and if any of them could stand toe-to-toe against the Bloodline. I’ve gathered up a few worthy clans, and while we’ll never see them square off against Roman’s fam for dominance, we can at least hypothesize who would earn the right to be acknowledged.
The Kong Family – Donkey Kong
Donkey Kong chucked his first barrels at players in 1981, cementing himself as an icon and staple of the medium. Since then, Nintendo’s famous ape has multiplied into an expansive family tree of children, grandchildren, nephews, and romantic partners with their own clans, all bound by the name Kong. If you totaled every Kong to appear in games, comics, promotional materials, and the Donkey Kong Country animated series, there’s enough to fill several barrels. And if you ever have trouble remembering some members, the infamous DK Rap serves as a helpful role call. If this confrontation devolves into a rap battle, though, Roman’s cousins, the Usos, have the Kongs soundly beaten.
The Belmonts – Castlevania
Much like the Bloodline, the members of Castlevania’s Belmont family have made their name being very good at doing the same job: killing Dracula. This legendary lineage of vampire hunters (though they’re equally adept at slaying all manner of supernatural threats) has been slinging whips and tossing holy water better than anyone for centuries. The cruel irony is that their primary foe, Dracula, has a closer connection to them than the latter Belmonts may realize. We don’t often see Belmonts working together due to generational gaps, so whichever member faces Roman may be in a Cody Rhodes-like scenario of representing his family alone, placing them at a severe disadvantage.
Nurse Joys/Officer Jennys – Pokémon
One of the Pokémon anime’s longest-running gags was how each town has its own Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny. They’re not the same person but rather a visually identical member of two obscenely large clans of medical practitioners and law enforcement officers. It’s unbelievable that one family would consist of dozens of clone-like siblings, cousins, first cousins, etc., let alone two. Imagine if the Bloodline was just multiple copies of Roman Reigns and only his wiseman Paul Heyman (ironically playing the role of Brock) could tell the subtle differences such as eyelash length and teeth whiteness. One-on-one, Nurse Joy is far too pleasant for a fight, but Officer Jenny is always willing for a scrap. Plus, her omnipresent Arcanine could counter an inevitable Solo Sikoa run-in.
Desmond Miles’ Lineage – Assassin’s Creed
This is an interesting one, as these are more descendants than direct family members. But given that centuries separate Desmond’s most famous ancestors, Altaïr and Ezio, one would assume countless relatives exist in between for his bloodline to survive to the present day. Thanks to the advanced science-magic of the Animus, stabbing Templars in the neck has become a hereditary trait rather than a learned trade. The Bloodline would likely only have to deal with Desmond, but he channels the varied skills (read: stabbing/climbing things really well) of his ancestors thanks to the science-magic of the Animus.
The Feys – Ace Attorney
From the outside, the Ace Attorney series seems to be just about winning court cases and yelling OBJECTION, but the franchise is steeped in the supernatural. Phoenix Wright’s mentor was Mia Fey, a renowned defense attorney and a spirit medium from a long line of them. After Mia’s death, her bubbly younger sister Maya becomes Phoenix’s long-time sidekick, and players encounter more Fey relatives throughout the series. There are nine known members (all women since only females can learn the family’s spirit channeling technique), but it’s assumed to be much larger given its structure of having a “main” family and several branch families of “lesser” siblings and their kin. The Feys could channel the spirits of Roman’s departed brethren to play some effective mind games. After Cody Rhodes’ claims that Roman and Rock’s grandfathers would be ashamed of their villainous antics, the Feys could easily confirm this. However, the Feys have not been immune to inner turmoil and have been willing to resort to murder to climb the hierarchy, a schism the Bloodline could capitalize on.
Aquato Family – Psychonauts
Raz’s family may not be wrestlers, but they’re the next best thing: circus performers. Known by their stage name as the “Flying Aquatos,” Raz’s immediate (and very large) family excelled at water acrobatics until an aquatic-related family curse derailed their act. The Bloodline could easily take advantage of this by having the match take place on a literal Island of Relevancy, triggering Raz and his family’s long-standing trauma. On the flip side, Raz getting into Roman’s head and exploring what makes him tick would make for a fascinating platforming stage. There would likely be a lot of Royal Rumble 2015-related baggage collectibles to find.
The Coopers – Sly Cooper
Sly Cooper was destined to be a master thief from the moment he was born. That’s because he’s the latest of generations of benevolent thieves. Somehow dating back to the Ice Age, Coopers have been pulling off heists since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, possibly making them the oldest family on this list. For all we know, Coopers invented the very concept of stealing and, much like the Bloodline, could devise some sneaky ways of pulling out a win. Plus, they could all be present during the match thanks to the fourth game’s introduction of time travel. Win or lose, one thing is certain: there’s no way in Hell the Coopers aren’t walking out with Roman’s belt, by hook, or by expertly executed crook.
What video game family do you think could take on The Bloodline? Let us know in the comments!
